finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
