Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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