I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
