He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
