Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
