smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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