dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
