Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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