12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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