had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
