If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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