I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
