my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize