We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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