I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
