he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
