The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
