I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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