the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
