Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize