The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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