i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
