idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
