I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Every concussion has its silver lining
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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