so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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