Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize