onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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