you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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