new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
