I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
