finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
