Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
