when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
