So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
