I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
