Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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