Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
