I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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