I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
