NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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