Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
