She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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