I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
