there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
