So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
