I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
