areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
