bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
