my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
