I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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