I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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