I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
