the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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